Things Eric Doesn't Talk About
by Seneschal
Summary: Eric Cartman has secrets. And he hates Kyle. Really. He does.


Eric Cartman has many secrets; there are many things that he has never told to a single living soul. Some of these things are relatively minor, like the fact that even now, as a teenager, he keeps some of his special, favorite toys from his childhood in his closet. Others are of a more serious nature, such as a few of the many crimes he has committed in his lifetime. All of those secrets, however, pale in comparison to the simple and undeniable fact that Eric Cartman is not anti-semitic. Eric Cartman is also not homophobic or racist, and he does not believe that gingers have no souls.

These are not things that anyone else would believe, though, even if Eric was of the mind to say them. Which, for the record, he is not.

No, Eric has gone out of his way to make himself into the bigoted, hateful, racist, anti-semitic that the world (excluding, possibly, his mother) sees him as, and he has his reasons. Looking back, he'll admit that he's far from a good person; far from even a neutral person. Even to his own mind, Eric is a bad person, and he's come to terms with that. Because being a bad person is better than being a loser.

Another thing that most people would not recognize is also true of him; Eric is a smart person. Very smart, in point of fact. He recognized very early on that there are a few types of people in the world; there are the bullies and the bullied and the regular people. Regular people often get bullied, too, and fade into obscurity, quietly sneering at those lower in the social order than themselves. Those unfortunates who are bullied, he saw, quickly lose themselves into a meek and miserable social pariah, loathed and looked down upon as nothing. Eric saw, then, even as a child, that after a while they even hated themselves as much as others loathed them. He never wanted that for himself, and has done everything in his power to prevent himself from joining the ranks of those ruined by society.

Instead, Eric is a bully. Yes, he'll admit it; and he knows it's not a desirable social rank, but in his eyes, it is better than the other options. Everyone, after all, is a bully to some extent. Only bullies, he learned as a young child, were free from the fear he saw in others. Eric saw the things that separated the bullied from the rest of the world, and he saw that it was nothing more than attitude. The bullied made themselves into targets by being meek, by being different from those around them.

Most of those who get bullied, he saw, are those who are physically different. Not as pretty, or not as smart, or not as socially adept, or who just look different. He then realized that there wasn't much different from him and those who are bullied. He's fat-though he'll never let anyone hear him admit it-and that alone is enough to mark him as a potential victim for abuse. And Eric Cartman does not want to be bullied, and he did not want to then, either. So he learned how not to be.

Along the way he made some friends, although only he would call them friends. He knows they don't like him, but they tolerate him and they are his, and that is all that matters.

Kyle.

Oh, Kyle. Honestly, Kyle started most of it. They clashed from the beginning, he thinks with a dark smile. Kyle never liked him; which is a shame, because Eric always liked Kyle. And Kyle hated Eric, and that was not okay.

Kyle, as a sort-of-friend, sort-of-enemy, became a symbol to Eric. He watched the redhead for years, hating him and loving him all at once. Eric thinks that if he had never met Kyle, he would never have hated Jews. He would never have hated gingers, either.

The fact is that Kyle is the first Jew he ever met, and the first ginger Eric ever met, too. It made a big impression on him. Kyle has always been so bright in the dull world of South Park. He has always been larger-than-life, so vivacious and bright in Eric's mind, and Eric hates him because Kyle is everything Eric has always wanted to be, and never can be. Kyle is so different from everyone else, so weird looking, that logically everyone should hate him for being so different. Everyone should hate him and bully him for being scrawny, for being redheaded and pale, with his stupid jew-fro, and his stupid neon green hat and jacket that really clashed with his bright red hair, for his stupid green eyes and pale skin. And worse, he is a goody-two-shoes, all studious and moralistic and ethical. He should be a social pariah.

And yet, Kyle never was. Instead, Kyle has always been popular. People like him; they think he is nice, and cool, and cute. He isn't! He is nerdy, and holier-than-thou, and too goddamn good! Eric hates it, because how is it fair that Kyle looked weirder than Eric ever could, and Kyle even has the added social stigma of being of a different religion than most people, one a lot of people hated, and yet he is still more well-liked than Eric?

Eric hates Kyle because he knows that Kyle is smart-smarter, maybe, than Eric, and because he knows that Kyle can see down to the truth of him better than anybody else-and Eric can't stand that.

Because Kyle is all of these things, Eric hates him; and yet, he finds himself caught up in the jew. He has to watch the redhead, caught between wanting to hurt him and wanting to possess him. That is how Eric's passion is; he cannot love something without hating it, also, and he cannot feel so passionately about something-love, hate, it really doesn't matter-without wanting to possess it.

Eric never cared about jews or gingers before meeting Kyle. He thinks that the reason he grew to despise them so greatly is because of Kyle. Everything boils down to Kyle, really. Because Kyle was his first Jew, his first ginger, his hatred of Kyle passed on to all jews, to all gingers. And, when he rags on jews and gingers, Kyle gets so worked up and angry, and he always has, that his eyes flash and his face gets red and his voice rises to a shriek. Eric likes that, and so he does it more and more, pushing the boundaries. He wonders if, one day, Kyle will snap.

Until then, Eric will keep pushing and pushing, making himself into Kyle's polar opposite. He will keep being who he has made himself into, because now, there is no other option. And, Eric knows, he is safe, because when everybody fears you, you don't have to fear anyone. And everyone but Kyle fears Eric. One day, he will make Kyle fear him, too, even if he has to change himself even more, until even Eric doesn't recognize himself.

He watches Kyle laughing across the hall, surrounded by people who are really his friends, by people who genuinely like him, and Eric hates Kyle more than ever. The weak winter sunlight pours through the windows and, as Kyle walks through, makes him light up like he's glowing, his skin bright white, his hair on fire, his eyes flashing a vivid green, and Eric's stomach twists with what he tells himself is hatred.

Eric Cartman hates Kyle, because Kyle is everything he wants to be and cannot, because Kyle has everything he wants and does not have, and because Kyle is everything he wants and does not own.

Eric Cartman hates Kyle Brofloski.

And Kyle Brofloski knows the truth about Eric Cartman.


End file.
